Strong Suits and the not-so-strong suits - “shared parenting” perspective

For me it's about the strong suits and not-so-strong suits. We all have them. Whether I choose them or they choose me, I definitely have strong suits.

These are the things that I will not negotiate with my partner or my kids. (BTW I am fortunate to have a partner in this journey.) My strong suits are not what I do enjoy doing persay… rather what I won’t let go of.

Example: Folding the laundry. Not getting into the washing machine and then the dryer…but folding it.

Crisply folding- being careful to flatten out any turned up edges or hems, succinctly matching socks and turning down the top edges just slightly into a pair, and hanging items onto hangers.

Admittedly then hanging hung clothes in some of order in the closet. Starting on the left,  jackets, sweaters, and sweatshirts, then dresses, then tops. In the dresser drawers  every item has a place, tops, bottoms, sports bras/underwear, pajamas and those neatly matched socks.

Not extreme but certainly methodical.For me it makes it easier to then grab them in a rush and if I should ever not be home… another can easily find clean crisply folded or hung options with ease.

The origin behind this strong suit is because of a few traumas I have suffered in the past. Like the time my partner showed up to the hospital to visit me, kids in tow and they all were a wrinkled mismatched hot mess. I couldn’t even appreciate the flowers they brought, the fact they did all shower, ate breakfast, made it in-and-out of stop&shop for the bouquet, and arrived at the hospital and no one was crying or whining! All I could see was their dis-shoveled apparel. OMG … I cried.

They thought I was happy to see them. In fact I wanted them to leave…  immediately before my lovely nurse saw them.From that point on…I had a new strong suit. As far as me and my house goes …we will have neat and matched clothes! I read a book once for new parents raising children with disabilities and the author opined… (paraphrased) you can’t control the chromosome map children are born with, the intellectual or behavioral wiring realities, but you can ensure they are clean and look nice.

That stuck with me and after a few trauma’s like described above…A strong suit was born.My partner has his own strong suits. Nothing is our house will be held together with duct tape, glue sticks, or (in a pinch) medical tape. I don’t give two hoots about this strong suit. It isn’t mine!In the end we add the strong suits we each bring and have an agreement/arrangement that what we can live with.

I consider that shared parenting. I have strong suits in case management, IEP meetings, talking to the doctor’s, knowing when meds need to be refill, banging out a letter, changing the diaper of our 18 year old and finding resources under a rock.

(I have friends that guide me on this one)

His strong suits can be social interactions, (he can be very charming and disarming which is why the IEP team always asks if he is coming) all things electronic and mechanical (good… I can’t stand looking into a car engine… it just pisses me off) and he can demonstrate unrelenting patience to our daughter who scratches, pushes, hits and who can get me a head lock that I can’t get out of. 

Each of us brings our strong suits to the partnership and we have learned to respect what the other brings. Even when we think the other’s strong suit is ridiculous.

But heck… I don’t begrudge him his strong suits and he doesn’t begrudge me mine. I do think I sometimes bring more strong suits to deal and in those moments I question if I carry more.

But you know what… so does he!

In the end I have reduced the whole equation to… We each have strong suits and not so strong suits.

I am keeping mine and if things go well he will keep his and we each will bring what we have.

That’s the “shared parenting” perspective that works for me… and keeps me out of car engines and my partner out of the clothes folding business!

Thank God!

Lauri

Comments (2 posted)

Brick Layer 03/08/2012 21:07:29

This was an interesting piece of dirty laundry......lol.

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2

Paula Jarrett 03/08/2012 21:38:44

OMG...I'm so happy your kids didn't sense your disappointment. Can you imagine how hurt they would feel, if they knew how ashamed you were of them, when they wanted to cheer you up?? And wanting them to leave??? Kifs don't have to look perfect cause they're kids! !
Talk about being ungrateful. Wow. Really?

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